Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Downtime

(Draft written on March 10, 2015)  

I experienced a pretty major setback and felt pretty torn up inside few days ago. 
 
I was rushed in ER, kept on vomiting, had lose bowel movement, lost my appetite and gone so miserable. See, it was my downtime. I was in a depressive cycle.   
 
It’s difficult–nearly impossible, really–to assess any situation when you are in the midst of a depressive cycle.
 
Any kind of bad news that you get when you are already fighting like hell to stay positive feels like an atomic bomb exploding in your hard drive…one that holds about a half a year’s worth of work with no backup. I don’t know about you, but I am simply incapable of a fair analysis when I’m depressed.  
 
I have not shared all that has happened in my personal life the last few months, but I have experienced the ugly side of bad news, including violence, addiction, unexpected financial issues, health issues and a lot more. And can I just mention that bad news always seems to come at a bad time!  
 
Bad news is like a toxin that overwhelms our soul and then tries to strip us of our joy. Seeping into our hearts, it leaves us wondering what will happen to us, and sometimes stirs doubt for how God will help us through whatever circumstance we are facing. Would you agree?    
 
There's more... I have to confess few more things.  
 
I am a complainer. Lately, I complain a lot.  
 
I have an ungrateful heart. Lately, when it comes to being grateful, I just can’t be. 
 
I'm so insecure. Lately the junior high inferiority complex has made a surprise visit, and I’m more insecure than usual.  
 
Do you ever compare yourself with other people and feel belittled if you can’t do what they can do or be like them? Have you ever said “I wish I looked like her” or “I wish I had what they have” or “I wish I could do what she does”?   
 
Pahiram ng ang linya ni Mareng Marilyn.  
 
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe   
 
My stress level skyrocketed and my heart was not always quick to cling to God when I needed to most.   
 
But then, I've read this verse somewhere when I was browsing some Christian blogs and it gave me hope. ­  
 
“They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.” – Psalm 112:7  
 
 
Moreover, everyone needs a person or ten in their life to remind them that God is in charge, that He really will give us what we need, that He is directing our paths, even as we think he could use a GPS system, and that he uses lots of commas, but rarely ever a period.  
 
To my friends who kept me in their prayers, thank you, again, for your support, for your affirmations, for your faith, and for your rational thinking, at a time when I needed all of them.  
 
 
 
I’m Em. I’m bloody ill and it sucks more than I can articulately put into words. But I’m working with it and doing the best that I can right now. And that’s all anyone can do.


Update:
I'm back. Slowly recovering and getting back into the groove of it all. Not because of me but only because of the grace of God.

 


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